Advice from an Inept Gardener

My first serious attempts at gardening, with the support of an understanding husband, were laughable. I didn’t even know how much I didn’t know!

 Starting out with surgical gloves protecting my hands which were then inserted into gardening gloves, I planted a little of this and a little of that. All pretties, no edibles. (When I was a child I planted radishes. One grew. My father plucked it out of the ground and ate it on the spot. I was sure I’d never plant veggies again. Now I grow tomatoes, red bell peppers, and basil. Yes, I’m half-Italian.)

Before long, my hands were covered in dirt, and my husband was taking pictures of them encrusted to prove to our friends that dirt didn’t actually kill me. Since that time, nearly ten years ago, I’ve learned a few things

Anyone can grow a  garden n Louisiana.

The problem is not having plants come up; the problem is controlling them once they do.

How one seed could become a jungle I’ll never know.

If you don’t think you can grow anything, move to Louisiana. And don't call me with your excess zucchini.

Annuals are not so named because they come up annually. Perennials come up annually. Go figure.

The terms annual and perennial have absolutely no meaning.

Depending on climate, annuals may think they are perennials and vice versa.

I know, it doesn't make sense to me, either.

If you grow four o’clocks, when winter comes people are not throwing chicken bones in your yard.

My first winter in Louisiana I thought, “What kind of people are these?” when I found my yard littered with what I thought were chicken bones.

They were actually the broken down branches of four o’clocks, which resemble chicken bones because of their “joints.”

Nearly everything that grows in Louisiana will grow in Mississippi, even if you have very sandy soil.

It’s important to remember that this rule applies especially to weeds, the stowaways of transplantation. And this bit about weeds applies to all transplants no matter from where, to where.

Gardeners can grow anything, once they know what they can grow.

After that, that’s all they plant, guaranteeing success.

Plants that grow in the flatlands of Louisiana are not necessarily going to grow in the mountains of Western North Carolina.

Also, it may seem like a great idea to gift your Louisianan friends with the rhododendrons that grow with abandon in North Carolina when you go home to visit; too bad they can’t survive that hot, wet climate.

Glass and ceramic planters can not over-winter outdoors.

Frozen rain and snow, due to the law of physics, will cause them to break in spectacular patterns.

Whenever you think it’s spring, and it’s a good time to put the plants that have over-wintered indoors out and to plant your tomatoes, there will be a killing frost.

Every year.

No matter how late you put the plants out.

Seed packets are lies. Small plants grow tall and need support; lush plants don’t grow at all. (However, gardeners are delighted when the following year, the plants do sprout).

Anything that’s guaranteed to grow in the shade won’t;

anything that is guaranteed to grow abundantly doesn’t.

Any weed that produces a flower is a desirable plant and should be encouraged, not pulled.

One dandelion is a weed, a thousand dandelions is a garden.

No matter how the garden turns out, the best defense is, “I planned it this way.”